Nanay Diaries: I Conceive!

I have long wanted to share my parenting journey not because I think I’m already an expert or past being a newbie. Everyday, I face new challenges as a nanay and I guess even as I raise my nth baby (we’re still contemplating how many kids because we thought one or two’s enough haha), there will still be surprises everyday. 🙂

It’s  a huge, life-changing privilege that one can never really prepare for or study enough but I have learned that I’m not alone and I’m not the only one going through this challenging journey, thanks to many parenting stories out there. At times, I find them overwhelming but most of the time, helpful. 🙂

Maybe someone out there needs to hear my motherhood story. So here’s how mine started:

Exactly two years ago, I gave up saying that, “I’m okay”…

Okay with questions, suggestions, comments, ideas, opinions, and whatever story about pregnancy.

Nine months! I wished for a honeymoon baby right after the wedding when I first crossed that bridge in HongKong for our “official night.” I knocked at every special door and believed every wishing well.

I would pray for a child every time I enter a new church and I would light vigil candles hoping my prayers will be answered… sooner. Our first year as husband and wife was then fast approaching and I can’t wait because I knew, after a year’s mark, the pressure to conceive will only go up.

I know that there are couples who waited for years before a baby came, that there are couples who are still waiting, and that there are those who were tested by several miscarriages before a baby came to life. All these stories tell you one thing: a baby will eventually come. 

But these stories seem insufficient to convince me that I need not worry. Because there are those who waited for the baby that never came. Those who tried everything–danced in Obando, asked for medical help, and yet, a baby seemed just not for them. No worries. It doesn’t make one less of a person or a relationship less happier, less fortunate. There are lots of other options and I only have to remember Disney’s Ellie and Karl to smile again. 🙂

Alam ko. It’s okay.

But does the “okay” that meant “I’m fine whether I’m having a baby or not” also mean “Okay, maybe I should stop hoping or wishing or praying for a baby.”?

Negative

Okay, God (and apparently, EVERYONE else concerned) will provide the solution!  🙂 

It was overwhelming that I can only appreciate how everyone is making an effort to help me co.nceive.

Company drivers, engineers, and lawyers telling me a thing or two about the best bed position that worked for them made me feel grateful. Salamat talaga sa pagbabahagi ng pinakatatago nilang lihim at naiibang karanasan! 🙂

Salamat sa ka-opisinang hinalukay ang kanyang baul ng alikabok mapahiram lang ako ng pregnancy book na singkapal ng taas ng takong ng aming boss. 🙂

To that mom from another department who spent her precious family time at home making me a special juice to intoxicate and prepare my body for pregnancy…

To my guy officemate who reminded me of my monthly period and untiringly tracked whether I’m delayed or not…

And to our generous masseuse who positioned my uterus (for FREE)…

THANK YOU!

Anong suporta pa ba ang mahihiling ko? 🙂 All your efforts were sincerely appreciated.

Up to a certain time, nasanay na ako sa araw-araw na walang mintis ang tanong na, “Buntis ka na ba?”

To the singles and NORRSBs or No Official Romantic Relationship Since Birth (Kailangan gender-sensitive sa title, friends!), wala itong pinag-iba sa tanong na, “Kailan ka mag-aasawa?” at “Kailan ka magkaka-BF/GF?”

So kailan nga ba? Well, we (the AlDub nation) know the answer…

 “Sa tamang panahon.”

Waiting for the right time

The cliche that is, “Darating din ang taong para sa’yo,” is true not only in finding a partner in life. Pwede rin nating sabihin na partners in life aren’t limited to couple-level.

Actually, may isa pang cliche, “Try and try until you succeed.”

Maraming cliche at tinry ko gamitin lahat para malimutan kong naghihintay ako. 🙂 #HugotFromCollege

But this is also a cliche: “Do not wait for the right time; the time will never be ‘just right.'”

So go, asa lang.

We already seeked medical help, read a lot, listened a lot, and tried… almost everything we could.

PT lang nang PT hanggang ma-achieve ang rurok ng tagumpay.

And after giving it some time, I felt like giving up. 🙁 Because after months and months of trying, even with the aid of medicines, I have found myself prepping for a back-up plan, considering adoption, and thinking not to expect anymore.

I concede

July 17. Seventeen! What date could be better than 17th to discover that I’m pregnant?

I’ve always looked forward to spending our monthsary with me surprising my husband with a double-lined pregnancy kit. I even imagined myself wrapping it in a big box where he would dig in to find this special gift.

For the nth time, we’re staring, crossed-fingers, at a PT kit hoping for two lines.

I’m filming it. And I’m sort of running out of memory space documenting failed attempts.

3 minutes… 4… 5… and there’s only one line.

That night, I conceded.

I cried. I had to admit and let go of this heavy feeling that I kept holding back:

 

“I’m not okay.”

 

Pressured, stressed, frustrated, and depressed. That was my reality. And I guess, if only every woman waiting for a baby could tell the world, maybe what they really want to say every time people ask, “Bakit di ka nagbubuntis?” is this:

“Shut up ka na lang!” o kaya, “Ba’t di mo itanong sa buwan?”

BUT… Then I guess, I appreciated the question more than it insulted me. I think I’d be more depressed to feel people’s indifference if nobody ever popped the golden question.

But of course, the fact remains that I feel bad. The question would often create a spoken war inside my head.

I know it wasn’t right to protest why I think I deserve to become a parent more than some people do but I would be a hypocrite to say that not once did I ever ask:

“Why did God let that woman have a child… Only for her to leave the baby in a trash bin? Only for the other woman to sell the baby?”

“Why do they have a baby if they never liked it in the first place?”

I was scared, felt insecure. It made me doubt myself. May nagawa ba akong mali in the past?

Honestly, that’s the only fear I wrote on the matrimonial questionnaire before we got married. And honestly, I was afraid to realize every time I learn that I’m not carrying a baby, I become the less spirited woman I use to be. I become a less admirable soul. I become less attractive. 🙁

I conceive!

Sabi raw ni Alma.

What date could be better than 17th to know that I’m pregnant? Well, it’s the 18th.

A day right after giving in to my true feelings, I realized I’m still delayed… Di ba, cliche din yung, “Habang may buhay, may pag-asa?” 😀

We still have one last PT kit. Hangga’t nanganganak ng araw yung sunflower sa Plants vs. Zombies, wag kang bibigay. OKAY. Ayan nanaman yung “OKAY.”

A successful video, finally! 🙂 We can’t believe it so we bought some more kits to be sure.

 

 

At ang 2 ay magiging 3 na yata.A photo posted by Brainard Ardoña (@motski03) on


We wonder why it resulted to negative the other night. But when we checked it again, it was actually double lined!

Sayang ang drama ko. Sayang ang luha. Yan ang napapala ng di marunong maghintay!  😛

Right time

Siguro nga, the time was right. Time was right for those who just had a one night stand and had a baby. Time was right for a first-timer and got pregnant.

I actually resigned a week before I discovered my pregnancy. I contemplated for such a long time, even consulted friends and mentors, on temporarily putting my career on hold just to clear myself from pressures and stress that might’ve hindered an early conception. 

Don’t get me wrong, all the efforts of my colleagues helped me cope up during the long wait. But the day I resigned from work and everyday commute, I felt like I have unloaded a ton of personal baggage. I felt in my heart that when I learned to let go of my position, I have opened up a space so big in my life to welcome something new… SOMEONE NEW!

I thought, maybe I only needed these preparations lined up before I get pregnant. An officemate once told me that there’s no such thing as enough preparation to parenthood but God knows when you’re ready.

And maybe, the last cliche I can use for this blog is this: “Do not waste your time waiting for the right person or the right time. Spend your time preparing to be the right person.” How many blogs, memes, and text messages have reminded us about this? Well, I can’t agree more… Because when we’re ready, the time becomes right. 🙂

Wow! Didn’t expect to write this long! I dedicate this to every man and woman waiting for the “right time.” You know, sometimes, a short while might feel like forever when you’re waiting. At times, it will make you feel impatient, too clueless. We’ll never know. You might be waiting for something that isn’t for you but you wouldn’t be waiting and taking the chance if it’s not worth it. Remember that hungry people always get the best dish. 🙂

I guess this is more of a kickoff to more of my nanay stories.  😉

By the way, we showed the successful video on Liam’s 1st birthday. 🙂 Aaand… I really have more long wait stories to share! 😆 (With less smileys maybe?)

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